I hope I don’t have to crop out Phangiso

Things are getting very awkward for Aaron Phangiso.

The newly nationally-contracted Proteas player has yet to play a game at the Cricket World Cup even though he often finds himself with prime real estate in most of the #ProteaFire posters, even the ones which mention the venue where he didn’t play. He’s standing in the perfect position to be cropped.

melbourne

Let’s be honest – the other players featured in the posters are regulars and would never be dropped during the course of the tournament unless an injury (sorry JP) or a Jonathan Trott-like stress illness besets them. Is it time to crop Phangiso out or will we see him face Ireland in the next game?

What can we expect from the Irish encounter? It’s not like the Proteas have given us anything consistent to go on so far. Their tournament has been a mixed bag of WTFs, LOLS, OMGs, and a few I NEED A STRONG DRINK BUT IT’S 7AM SO I CANTs. The game against Zimbabwe was more of a flicker than a #ProteaFire. The one against India was a fizzle and the West Indian clash was a bright but predictable blaze.

Would the team now risk an almost-wobble like the one we saw against Zimbabwe by fielding the guys who haven’t seen much game time? Kyle Abbott will probably get a run. His smile or grimace, I can never tell, hasn’t seen much poster-time. He did well against the West Indies. He got the wicket of Chris Gayle early, which is the bowling equivalent of AB De Villiers’ heroics with the bat.

Will they rest Imran Tahir and play Phangiso? We all know Tahir has put in the hard yards with his wicket celebrations so he deserves a break from being joyous.

Just as a precaution.

tahir

Set your alarm clocks for the first ball at 5:30am. You know the build-up will make you sleepy.

-Sbosh

Wait there’s more…

Here’ a wonderful and recent Instagram snap of David Miller being talented and beautiful in his trendy jean pant in Australia

david miller

Winning the Cricket World Cup will damage the Proteas’ legacy

The worst thing that could happen to the Proteas team is winning the Cricket World Cup this year.

One could easily make the mistake of believing a World Cup trophy is a something that would be good for a nation and bring it together, but it is not. We are excellent at calling our team ‘chokers’ at any loss suffered against any team ever, that a win would mean having to lean on a terrible label like “bunch of winners.”

Winning a CWC trophy would also erode the legacy the South African teams have tirelessly built over the last 23 years. The only proud thing we’d have to show now is like, our democracy. From 1992 to present, we have the honour of having a World Cup Curriculum Vitae littered with fantastic braai conversations and sports columns of what went wrong. If we win the 2015 edition, we’d be left with nothing. Just a trophy and happy feelings. We can’t stand for that.

Herschelle Gibbs, Allan Donald, Shaun Pollock, Mark Boucher et al have served this nation well at the sport’s biggest showpiece – dropping catches, taking unfortunate run-outs, stumbling over their BODMAS and Duckworth-Lewis calculations (happens to the best of us)– ensuring everyone has enough ‘chokers’ material to fill up the red room in 50 Shades of Grey.

Let us not give the world and our great nation the satisfaction of a World Cup victory.

Donald is with the squad as a bowling coach in Australasia, and a World Cup win for him as part of this squad would mean a legacy destroyed. We can’t have this. Soon he’ll be known strictly for his bowling talent and not a crusher of dreams and childhoods everywhere. I don’t want to live in that world. I really hope he’s assisting the team with their running between the wickets too, and judging from their performance against India, I’m happy to say that he’s adding value in that department.

A CWC win means that the memorable 1999 run-out will hurt less and be bumped down in the list of SA cricket’s biggest moments. What will Supersport show now besides the 438 game for the trillionth time? They’ll show us hoisting a damn trophy a trillion times. Gives me nightmares.

To Father Abraham and the rest of the 2015 CWC squad, carry the torch for us. And then drop it like it’s 1999. Entertain those expats watching you in Australia with a loss, and show them that they’re right when they say, “It’s truly been downhill for South Africa since the early 90’s.”

*pans camera to Sachin Tendulkar. The real reason we cricket*

What Kallis gets up to when he doesn’t feel like playing for the Proteas

The stats of the man speak for themselves.

It has actually been proven that no other stats speak louder than the stats of Jacques Henry They Flat-Out Refuse To Put Me Ahead Of Sir Garry Sobers Kallis.

It is said that the stats speak so loudly they can only be heard by animals like dogs and rodents, as all humans that compile these “All Time Greatest Ever To Walk On Water Favouritest Cricketers Lists…” never hear them. Jacques has built a phenomenal career by making lots of runs and taking lots of wickets. He has reached a point in his career where he can do whatever the hell he wants.

kallis

This is a list of activities Kallis does when he doesn’t feel like playing for the Proteas

1. Practises his legendary cover drive in front of a mirror

The great thing about practising cover drives in front of the mirror is that you cannot get out therefore you keep your records and prevent any and all comparisons to  Tendulkar. Kallis spends much of his time doing this.

2. Plays IPL

The great thing about the IPL is that it goes on forever. It is said the IPL is so long, people forget that there’s an actual winner at the end because they stopped watching it after week 37. So much cricket is played and Kallis makes sure he gets in plenty of game time for his team, the Kolkata Knight Riders, so that he can be fully prepared to not play for the Proteas.

3. Preparing for the 2015 World Cup

Kallis is preparing for cricket’s greatest showpiece after The Ashes, the IPL, when India plays, the Champions Trophy (RIP), the IPL T20 World Cup – the 2015 Cricket World Cup! He is said to be preparing himself by playing test matches for the Proteas and scoring as few runs as possible to preserve his strength and keep his fitness levels up. Kallis has expressed his desire to play in that World Cup and his experience in not playing ODI’s recently will be invaluable to the team.

4. Being a “presence” in the side

Anyone will tell you, having the presence of Kallis in your changing room is invaluable. He will not put pads on or hold a ball, but he will be a present. He will mentor and guide young players, while actively avoiding any and all kind of game time. And this is what the Proteas need right now, that presence. It won’t score you any runs, but it will motivate others to try really, really hard to score their runs.

Feel free to add any sightings of Kallis at the Kruger National Park, at a golf course or just taking a Sanex shower, here.

We are officially on Kallis watch.