Winning the Cricket World Cup will damage the Proteas’ legacy

The worst thing that could happen to the Proteas team is winning the Cricket World Cup this year.

One could easily make the mistake of believing a World Cup trophy is a something that would be good for a nation and bring it together, but it is not. We are excellent at calling our team ‘chokers’ at any loss suffered against any team ever, that a win would mean having to lean on a terrible label like “bunch of winners.”

Winning a CWC trophy would also erode the legacy the South African teams have tirelessly built over the last 23 years. The only proud thing we’d have to show now is like, our democracy. From 1992 to present, we have the honour of having a World Cup Curriculum Vitae littered with fantastic braai conversations and sports columns of what went wrong. If we win the 2015 edition, we’d be left with nothing. Just a trophy and happy feelings. We can’t stand for that.

Herschelle Gibbs, Allan Donald, Shaun Pollock, Mark Boucher et al have served this nation well at the sport’s biggest showpiece – dropping catches, taking unfortunate run-outs, stumbling over their BODMAS and Duckworth-Lewis calculations (happens to the best of us)– ensuring everyone has enough ‘chokers’ material to fill up the red room in 50 Shades of Grey.

Let us not give the world and our great nation the satisfaction of a World Cup victory.

Donald is with the squad as a bowling coach in Australasia, and a World Cup win for him as part of this squad would mean a legacy destroyed. We can’t have this. Soon he’ll be known strictly for his bowling talent and not a crusher of dreams and childhoods everywhere. I don’t want to live in that world. I really hope he’s assisting the team with their running between the wickets too, and judging from their performance against India, I’m happy to say that he’s adding value in that department.

A CWC win means that the memorable 1999 run-out will hurt less and be bumped down in the list of SA cricket’s biggest moments. What will Supersport show now besides the 438 game for the trillionth time? They’ll show us hoisting a damn trophy a trillion times. Gives me nightmares.

To Father Abraham and the rest of the 2015 CWC squad, carry the torch for us. And then drop it like it’s 1999. Entertain those expats watching you in Australia with a loss, and show them that they’re right when they say, “It’s truly been downhill for South Africa since the early 90’s.”

*pans camera to Sachin Tendulkar. The real reason we cricket*

BCCI plans to cancel world cricket as Sachin Tendulkar’s retirement looms

sachin_tendulkar-420x0

It’s been a truly devastating time in Indian cricket. Besides actively choosing to avoid the awesomeness of a Newlands test match against the Proteas this Summer, they have to to pull each other closer as a nation and prepare for the departure of their president for the past twenty years, Sachin Tendulkar.

Departure, you ask? Is Tendulkar ill? Are we losing him? Well, yes and no. The one player who has given meaning to Indian sport over the past two decades has decided to hang up his bat and effectively end world cricket with immediate effect. He will play his 200th test match against the “so-so” West Indies which will be the highlight of all those West Indians lives forever. They have no choice in the matter. Not the kind of fireworks exit the Board of Control for Cricket in India and the World Everywhere (BCCI) would want for the person keeping any kind of sport interest in the country alive.

But retirements are messy, as we all know from Mark Boucher’s painful exit, and they aren’t always pretty, but BCCI has made it clear that cricket will cease to exist once the Little Master leaves.

On Twitter, they started a hashtag that gave us what I consider a warning of what’s to come – #ThankYouSachin.

BCCI1

My god, 200 facts about one human being. Wikipedia may not even hold that many. I can almost picture Sachin saying “chill, guys.”

The tweets predictably listed the lists that list Sachin as the best,

BCCI4 BCCI5

It is said that Sachin Tendulkar has dethroned bread and milk on a grocery list as the most listed thing on any list made around the world.

But 200 facts it is and they were well on their way. As the tweeting and fact-sharing went on, the tweets just started to look weird.

BCCI6

Thank you Sachin for exercising your free will.

#ThankYouSachin could easily be turned to #WeWorshipSachin #NothingAnyoneElseAchievesMeansAnything which leads to my favourite fact…

BCCI3

The tweet made it look like the sole reason this grown man had achieved anything in his life was because of Tendulkar. And I’m pretty sure once we reach the 200th fact, cricket and the universe will have to close shop completely.

BCCI will now have to scramble to look for meaning in their own existence. Other nations will stagger around aimlessly not being able to have anyone to compare their best batsman to and finally…FINALLY Jacques Kallis will continue the career he’s been putting on hold and get the respect (by respect I mean be put on lists, dammit) he deserves now that his closest living rival exits the game stage left.

But to Sachin, thank you for the memories. I owe my talents and growth to you, not to the parents who nurtured me and invested in me, but you who just played lots and lots of cricket. You are the reason I’m the cricket-loving woman I am today.

What Kallis gets up to when he doesn’t feel like playing for the Proteas

The stats of the man speak for themselves.

It has actually been proven that no other stats speak louder than the stats of Jacques Henry They Flat-Out Refuse To Put Me Ahead Of Sir Garry Sobers Kallis.

It is said that the stats speak so loudly they can only be heard by animals like dogs and rodents, as all humans that compile these “All Time Greatest Ever To Walk On Water Favouritest Cricketers Lists…” never hear them. Jacques has built a phenomenal career by making lots of runs and taking lots of wickets. He has reached a point in his career where he can do whatever the hell he wants.

kallis

This is a list of activities Kallis does when he doesn’t feel like playing for the Proteas

1. Practises his legendary cover drive in front of a mirror

The great thing about practising cover drives in front of the mirror is that you cannot get out therefore you keep your records and prevent any and all comparisons to  Tendulkar. Kallis spends much of his time doing this.

2. Plays IPL

The great thing about the IPL is that it goes on forever. It is said the IPL is so long, people forget that there’s an actual winner at the end because they stopped watching it after week 37. So much cricket is played and Kallis makes sure he gets in plenty of game time for his team, the Kolkata Knight Riders, so that he can be fully prepared to not play for the Proteas.

3. Preparing for the 2015 World Cup

Kallis is preparing for cricket’s greatest showpiece after The Ashes, the IPL, when India plays, the Champions Trophy (RIP), the IPL T20 World Cup – the 2015 Cricket World Cup! He is said to be preparing himself by playing test matches for the Proteas and scoring as few runs as possible to preserve his strength and keep his fitness levels up. Kallis has expressed his desire to play in that World Cup and his experience in not playing ODI’s recently will be invaluable to the team.

4. Being a “presence” in the side

Anyone will tell you, having the presence of Kallis in your changing room is invaluable. He will not put pads on or hold a ball, but he will be a present. He will mentor and guide young players, while actively avoiding any and all kind of game time. And this is what the Proteas need right now, that presence. It won’t score you any runs, but it will motivate others to try really, really hard to score their runs.

Feel free to add any sightings of Kallis at the Kruger National Park, at a golf course or just taking a Sanex shower, here.

We are officially on Kallis watch.

You can’t fake it

I’m a sports lover, not a fighter. Unless it’s boxing. I’d marry Supersport if they took my calls and just accepted my proposal. I grew up in a rugby family. My dad was a rugby player in the Eastern Cape during apartheid. There was no space for black people in the sport but my dad played anyway. He just loves the game, I think more than his own children. I have a sneaking suspicion Beast Mtawarira is in my dad’s will. My older brother was also a rugby player, doing well at both high school and university level. They played a huge role in me learning about the game, and appreciating its intricacies. From there I discovered the beauty of other sports like cricket (my absolute favourite), tennis, football and even swimming (which I only really care for during the Olympics). This is why I find it so strange when a man is surprised to hear of a woman who enjoys her sport. Comments from them range from “women who love sport are wife material, very few of you around” to “If you can sit down and watch a sports game with a woman, she’s a keeper.” I think men tend to believe that women “force” themselves to enjoy sport, or even “sacrifice” their Saturday afternoon to watch a match with them. I believe very few us put ourselves through this, and those who do don’t last very long. Like an orgasm, a love for sport is something very hard to fake. You will be found out.

You only need to look at the attendance of live games to see how crazy women can be about their team’s performances, even more so than men. Usually women are the most animated supporters; sometimes even turning violent in their passion for certain teams. Not exactly wife material behaviour, huh? But I do think that we are starting to realise that hobbies and interests are no longer dependent on one’s gender. Men love to shop. Men go for spa treatments. Believe it or not, some men despise sports. There are those rare occasions however, when we’re everyone in the whole world is incapable of hating it: when your country hosts a World Cup and when Hashim Amla scores a hundred.