There are three guarantees in life: death, taxes and spilling something on your white outfit.
Try as you might to avoid, evade and simplify your life, these things always catch up with you eventually.
I love the Final Destination movies. I’m surprised they haven’t made one based solely on the struggle to keep a white shirt/dress/suit dirt, oil and sauce-free.
Imagine this scene:
*describing premonition to friends*
“I saw it. Like, I don’t know, I just saw it. I saw it the tomato sauce-lathered chip n dip falling, falling slowly onto my chest. I saw the horror in my face as I couldn’t do anything to stop it. And it was so real. It was so very real.”
Now that is a horror movie.
When you’re wearing white, chances are you’re feeling yourself that day. You’re going somewhere fly – be it a Diddy party, a boat, or a wedding in an attempt to outshine the bride. No one wears white when they’re having a bad day, but it can quickly turn into one when you do. And you must learn how to cope when things take a turn for the worst.
Here are the 5 Stages of Grief When You’ve Spilled on a White Outfit:
1. Denial and Isolation
You look down in horror at your crisp outfit as a rogue piece of oily chicken falls on your white shirt. It all happened in so quicky yet so slowly and you were helpless to stop it. Numb, you spring up, and dash to the nearest bathroom to throw water on it. You hope you were fast enough to minimise the damage. You stay away from the party/function for a while trying to sort your messy self out. You don’t want to see or talk to anyone or take shitty advice on home remedies for stain removal. You just want to be left alone.
WTF did you just do to yourself, you scream silently. Why does this story always end this way for you? As you were getting dressed that day, you said a prayer to all-white waring Jesus that today was not the day you’d spill – look at yourself now. A broken, formerly crisp disappointment. You don’t want to take selfies with anyone anymore, and you start hating the outfit for being so damn white. You’re angry because you’ll never be the person you were BTS (Before The Stain).
You try to regain control of the situation by going through the choices you could have made.
“I should have worn black.” Because no one has ever spilled something on a black outfit and hated themselves afterwards. Except that one thing. But this piece is PG 13.
“There was a large serviette that I could have draped across my chest.” Yes, you weren’t eating messy pork ribs and it would have looked silly but that 5 minutes of looking a bit silly would have saved you.
“Why did you even eat?” You weren’t really hungry. You were just passing time until the next glass of bubbly came. You could have lived on champagne alone. Now people refer to you as the person who HAD a cute white outfit. Broken dreams everywhere.
Oh dear. What a great party it would have been for you if you had not been clumsy.
You also start to beat yourself up about being emotionally unavailable to your friends and family at the party because all you have focused on is the stain.
You’re sad because the stain has made you an asshole.
The show must go on. Yes, you’ll be looking down at your sad excuse for a shirt every 15 minutes to see if this REALLY happened but you’re no longer angry or upset – you’re coping. Some never reach this stage unfortunately. They call an Uber and disappear into the night. Or they choose to wear only blue dashikis now. Others accept that this is the risk that goes with the path of flyness, and understand that this won’t be the last time it happens.
To quote Final Destination: “In death (spillage), there are no accidents, no coincidences, no mishaps and no escapes.”
Things are getting very awkward for Aaron Phangiso.
The newly nationally-contracted Proteas player has yet to play a game at the Cricket World Cup even though he often finds himself with prime real estate in most of the #ProteaFire posters, even the ones which mention the venue where he didn’t play. He’s standing in the perfect position to be cropped.
Let’s be honest – the other players featured in the posters are regulars and would never be dropped during the course of the tournament unless an injury (sorry JP) or a Jonathan Trott-like stress illness besets them. Is it time to crop Phangiso out or will we see him face Ireland in the next game?
What can we expect from the Irish encounter? It’s not like the Proteas have given us anything consistent to go on so far. Their tournament has been a mixed bag of WTFs, LOLS, OMGs, and a few I NEED A STRONG DRINK BUT IT’S 7AM SO I CANTs. The game against Zimbabwe was more of a flicker than a #ProteaFire. The one against India was a fizzle and the West Indian clash was a bright but predictable blaze.
Would the team now risk an almost-wobble like the one we saw against Zimbabwe by fielding the guys who haven’t seen much game time? Kyle Abbott will probably get a run. His smile or grimace, I can never tell, hasn’t seen much poster-time. He did well against the West Indies. He got the wicket of Chris Gayle early, which is the bowling equivalent of AB De Villiers’ heroics with the bat.
Will they rest Imran Tahir and play Phangiso? We all know Tahir has put in the hard yards with his wicket celebrations so he deserves a break from being joyous.
Just as a precaution.
Set your alarm clocks for the first ball at 5:30am. You know the build-up will make you sleepy.
Wait there’s more…
Here’ a wonderful and recent Instagram snap of David Miller being talented and beautiful in his trendy jean pant in Australia
The worst thing that could happen to the Proteas team is winning the Cricket World Cup this year.
One could easily make the mistake of believing a World Cup trophy is a something that would be good for a nation and bring it together, but it is not. We are excellent at calling our team ‘chokers’ at any loss suffered against any team ever, that a win would mean having to lean on a terrible label like “bunch of winners.”
Winning a CWC trophy would also erode the legacy the South African teams have tirelessly built over the last 23 years. The only proud thing we’d have to show now is like, our democracy. From 1992 to present, we have the honour of having a World Cup Curriculum Vitae littered with fantastic braai conversations and sports columns of what went wrong. If we win the 2015 edition, we’d be left with nothing. Just a trophy and happy feelings. We can’t stand for that.
Herschelle Gibbs, Allan Donald, Shaun Pollock, Mark Boucher et al have served this nation well at the sport’s biggest showpiece – dropping catches, taking unfortunate run-outs, stumbling over their BODMAS and Duckworth-Lewis calculations (happens to the best of us)– ensuring everyone has enough ‘chokers’ material to fill up the red room in 50 Shades of Grey.
Let us not give the world and our great nation the satisfaction of a World Cup victory.
Donald is with the squad as a bowling coach in Australasia, and a World Cup win for him as part of this squad would mean a legacy destroyed. We can’t have this. Soon he’ll be known strictly for his bowling talent and not a crusher of dreams and childhoods everywhere. I don’t want to live in that world. I really hope he’s assisting the team with their running between the wickets too, and judging from their performance against India, I’m happy to say that he’s adding value in that department.
A CWC win means that the memorable 1999 run-out will hurt less and be bumped down in the list of SA cricket’s biggest moments. What will Supersport show now besides the 438 game for the trillionth time? They’ll show us hoisting a damn trophy a trillion times. Gives me nightmares.
To Father Abraham and the rest of the 2015 CWC squad, carry the torch for us. And then drop it like it’s 1999. Entertain those expats watching you in Australia with a loss, and show them that they’re right when they say, “It’s truly been downhill for South Africa since the early 90’s.”
*pans camera to Sachin Tendulkar. The real reason we cricket*
I write most things down.
Some things I go back to and read again. Some things I tweet (which can act as a great place to store thoughts and random things). Some things go missing. Some things I throw away accidentally with my old till slips. Some get lost in raggedy notebooks that lose favour after time. But I try my best to scribble things down.
And 2014 was the year a lot of things I wanted came to life.
I wanted to freelance, and that happened at the beginning of the year when I resigned from my job and started writing and blogging more.
I wanted to be part of a radio breakfast show. That happened when I joined the KFM Breakfast show in the middle of the year.
I wanted to try out TV (for those of you who don’t know I graduated at Rhodes with a Journalism degree specialising in TV production) and at the end of the year, I joined the SABC 3 Lifestyle programme PopUp.TV.
(I even went overseas for the first time with the breakfast show when we went to Scotland for a week. And someone else paid. Another scribbled note of mine.)
My CV aside (I know this is not LinkedIn), I am truly grateful to 2014 what it did and did not give me.
I’m not trying to rewrite a sadder version of the sad book The Secret or tell you I own some kind of Goblet of Fire to throw your dreams into but I can definitely say there is some kind of therapy in being able to articulate what you want – even if you sometimes feel it’s too big.
There is also strength in not always making the decision that seems “stable” or “sensible.” Face the decision that scares you, because what could be on the other side is Idris Elba waiting for you holding, ahem, oops, I mean, something greater than you imagined.
One last thing: I also started watching tons his past year, mostly because I review a lot of them, but it made me fall in love with cinema again. If you have a couple of rands to spare now that the petrol price is down, drive yourself to go to the movies! Buy an inexpilcably overpriced combo meal, with a hideously large Coke and enjoy the magic of story-telling.
Have a kick-ass 2015.
I fell in love with the orange-flavoured liqueur called Cointreau on my birthday last year. I hosted a Mexican birthday shindig at my house, invited a few of my friends and made delicious margaritas. I followed a recipe online, and it included Cointreau. Needless to say, my friends came back for second, third, fourth and fifth helpings.
It was so lovely to get an invitation from the Cointreau team to help style their ambassador, Ayanda, for the day.
A Cointreau Woman, according to the Cointreau team, is determined and energetic. She is graceful and powerful. Basically she kicks butt in everything she does. When I met Ayanda, it was easy to see why she was chosen as their ambassador.
She was kind and bubbly, and ready for the challenge.
Together with blogger Ms Paula Bee, and the team at Marie Claire, we were given the fun task of styling Ayanda to be the perfect Cointreau woman.
It all went down at the V & A Waterfront. The day started with a great make-up session at Edgars at the Bobbi Brown make-up stand, where we got to make Ayanda’s already pretty face even more beautiful. Ms Paula and I decided that we needed sparkle and focused on her beautiful eyes, insisting that there be hints of gold and shine. The Cointreau Woman stands out from the crowd right?
We then moved to my favourite part – shopping for clothes! We went to Forever New, The Lot, Tiger of Sweden and TopShop, and although each store had it’s own unique identity, TopShop was the one that stood out for what we were trying to do.
Ayanda loved the clothes there, and her already sparkling eyes lit up even more when she tried them on. It was no surprise that the winning outfit came from there.
To celebrate a succesful styling day, we moved on to the beautiful Grand Cafe and Beach for some lunch and a lesson in making Cointreau cocktails from Ayanda herself. So yummy! I remembered why I was such a big fan of the liqueur.
Here is the Cointreau Fizz recipe that you can try for the festive season. Your friends and family will love you. You’ll love you.
RECIPE: For a refreshing cocktail with a zing of citrus, add two shots of cointrea, the juice of half a lemon or lime and ice to a tall glass.
Top with sparkling water and a wedge of lemon or line. Or personalise your drink by adding in your favourite summer fruit! ENJOY!
Ayanda went to the Cointreau Fizz Garden Party two days later dressed in her styling’ new outfit.
Good work, team!
*Cheers and happy summer!